


I just want you so deep

by Ki-chang (legendofthedwelf)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Confessions, Crying, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Frottage, Getting Together, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Hotels, Hugs, Kissing, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Post-Coital Cuddling, Sharing a Bed, So much kissing, changki friendship, changki rise, changkihyuk friendship, changkyun is a soft boy who feels a lot, changkyun is not having a good day, kihyun is a soft boy who cares a lot, so many feels, soft, they both feel and care a lot about each other, unnecessarily long smut with feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:01:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27101626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legendofthedwelf/pseuds/Ki-chang
Summary: "Hey, Changkyunnie…? Won't you stay a while longer here?"Kihyun's voice is so soft, so gentle, so full of caring. Changkyun swallows, not looking at him, and tries to ignore how Kihyun's hands have him melt into his touch. He shouldn't stay. He wants to be alone and just sleep and forget everything about what happened today.Kihyun's thumbs caress over his cheeks, softly, back and forth, non-pressuring, inviting.It's so tempting."Today was rough, and, well. You look like you could need some, hm, care? I can take care of you."
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M & Yoo Kihyun, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 12
Kudos: 118





	I just want you so deep

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda an ambiguous timeline in an AU of Fantasia promotions, Changkyun has purple hair and Kihyun is blond. I first started writing this after last year's changkihyuk vlive, then it transformed into purely a changki fic. It was meant as a comfort fic for myself for when I'm feeling shitty and down, that's why it's not actually that well written, I've been on and off writing this for over a year and it spiraled into 10k of unnecessarily long and drawn out… this.   
> The ending is super cliché and kinda sucks because I was badly running out of ideas. But all in all it's very self indulgent, and soft 
> 
> Title is from U R

  
  


Changkyun just wants to bash his head against a wall until he passes out. 

It hasn’t been a good day. Or well, it had been one, until it wasn’t anymore. They went outside of Seoul for promotions and decided to stay overnight at a hotel, so that they didn’t have to rush through their schedule for the day, and although their managers at first protested, in the end they agreed because they, too, prefer not being in a rush for once. Tomorrow they’ll return and drive straight to the company for some meetings, which was fine for them all, since that means they could relax for once and go to sleep at a decent time and have some down time with no responsibilities. It was a nice change of pace, and everything had been going great. 

Until things all at once weren’t great anymore, and suddenly their organization was screwed over, and he had a fight with their manager, and he snapped at one of their staff (which he immediately apologized for), and the restaurant they planned to eat at was closed and it was late and he was tired and angry with himself and didn’t let anyone near him and he just wanted this day to be over. 

The rest decided that hotel room service would be their dinner for tonight which he was honestly more than fine with, and on the way back their manager did approach him to talk things out, and he did say he was fine and tomorrow they’ll get along again just like always, but the sucky feeling stayed with him all the way into his and Jooheon’s hotel room and he  _ hated  _ it.

He called dibs on the shower and told Jooheon to order whatever he wants, took his phone, charger and speaker into the bathroom and locked it, setting up a moment of me-time for himself to simply  _ forget  _ and  _ calm down _ . 

He doesn’t like fighting, especially with their managers and staff, and while he’s glad they sorted things out he still feels like shit and he knows everyone could tell. Kihyun and Hyungwon had attempted to talk with him, Minhyuk hanging off him, but he shrugged them all off, staring mindlessly into space and ignoring whatever was said around him. 

They all know that sometimes he simply needs some space and time to cool down, but  _ he _ also knows he shouldn't close himself off that much when he's upset like this. They all just want to help each other, after all. But once he's gone deep like this it's hard to get out of it again. 

Right now, he just wants a hot shower and some solid hours of sleep.

The water is pelting down on him a little too hotly but it successfully rids him of all thoughts except  _ endure the heat. _ It’s not something he does often, for his skin will scream bloody murder at him in the aftermath, but mentally he’s already going through his skin care products and sets up a plan of action to ensure he won’t look blotchy red tomorrow morning. 

Turning down both the water pressure and temperature he grabs for the shampoo, exhaling soundlessly into the cacophony of droplets falling onto the fancy tiles. He really just wants to sleep.

Absentmindedly lathering himself with body lotion he goes through the motions slowly and listlessly, carefully washing out the shampoo and conditioner and watching streaks of purple spill down the drain. The hotel towels will get stained again, but he can’t really bring himself to feel bad about it at the moment. 

With a final long moment under the spray Changkyun sighs again and shuts the shower off, the sounds of the water drip dropping to his music playing near the sink. Already a chill is creeping over his wet skin from the gentle flow of the ventilation, and before he can get lost in thought and possibly catch a cold he steps out and wraps himself up in a towel. 

There's a momentary lapse of silence as one song comes to an end, and Changkyun half heartedly listens whether he can hear Jooheon outside. He's met with the white noise of the ventilation and another song starting up, and exhales deeply. His skin is already pulsating all over in vicious thanks for the scalding water treatment, so he collects all the skin care products he owns and steals a few from Jooheon as well and gets to work. 

Half an hour later, that consisted of a lot of spacing out, he is engulfed in a black hoodie with his skin glowing and radiating warmth, which he counters by only wearing underwear. His hair is still slightly damp since he couldn't be bothered to dry it properly, and with one last glance at the mirror (an exhausted 24 year old idol rapper staring back at him), he gathers himself up to face another human being and steps out of the bathroom. 

The hotel room is empty, the air conditioning quietly whirring and rustling the window curtains. Changkyun frowns. As much as he wasn't sure being around someone else would be a good idea, he had already mentally prepared himself for it, and Jooheon not being here leaves him with a bad feeling in his stomach. 

His phone dings through the speaker. 

It's the older rapper, telling him that Changkyun’s share of room service is spread out on the desk, and that he left to hang out in Hyungwon and Hyunwoo-hyung’s room. 

Changkyun feels like shit. 

Sullenly he sits down at the desk and starts eating, Jooheon having ordered a bit of everything since Changkyun didn't have any specific wishes. 

After having eaten as much as he felt being able to stomach he just flops down on his bed, on top of the blanket, and smushes his face into one of the pillows. He just wants to stop feeling like this. 

His phone dinging again pulls him out of the fitful dozing he fell into, eyes burning with suppressed emotions and exhaustion.

The message on his screen seems to taunt him with how perfect and non-ideal it is.

**Min roomm8**

Come join us on vlive maknae!! 

Immediately another message pops up, this time from Kihyun. 

**Ki**

Idk why we both have to message you 

It was Minhyuk's idea

But anyway, come join us Kyunnie? 

Changkyun thinks he's going to cry any moment now. He didn't even notice the vlive notification, didn't even know they were planning on doing one today, because he was so wrapped up in his own head. And somewhere in his head is a voice screaming at him to join his hyungs, his heart skipping a beat remembering the chaos from the last time the three of them were on vlive, squeezed together on one bed and teasing each other. He  _ wants _ , badly. And that they're inviting him means they aren't mad at him for snapping at them and being distant and broody. 

But. 

Anxiety sits like a heavy ball deep in his chest. 

He isn't sure whether this is a good idea, feeling like this and being on vlive, even though it wouldn't be him alone, it'd be with Minhyuk and Kihyun and they can hold their own on a vlive perfectly fine, and he could just be there as a silent participant and soak in being close to someone. But monbebe would notice him being quiet, they would ask questions and worry and that is something he doesn't want to deal with. 

Staying alone in his room and getting caught up in his own head sounds horrible as well. Going to someone else though wouldn't feel… right, either. He could get affection from everyone, he'd just need to ask. But he feels, he longs for Minhyuk and Kihyun, for their special kind of affection and attention. Especially Kihyun's. He doesn't want Hoseok's enveloping hugs (not that he’s even here right now and that thought just makes him feel even more miserable) or Hyunwoo's calming presence, he doesn't want Jooheon's energetic mood or play games with Hyungwon. He wants Minhyuk's crazy, he wants Kihyun’s countering calm and snark, he wants Minhyuk’s genuine crushing hugs and Kihyun’s gentle smiles and caring pats. 

That is what gives him the incentive to push through the open door of his hyungs' hotel room, hearing Kihyun and Minhyuk already loudly talking and laughing. That is what roots him to the ground and prevents him from running back into his room. He was invited. He said he doesn’t feel good. It was the immediate response of “We’ll do a cuddle vlive then!” which Kihyun followed by “Bring your blanket, Kyunnie!!” that had him get off his bed in autopilot mode, bunch up his blanket and pillow, which he let fall as soon as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror again. 

He looked like he felt. Red eyes, hair a mess from where he kept rolling around on the bed, face puffy and blotchy red. 

There’s no way he could appear on vlive like this. 

So he rummaged in his bag for a simple black face mask and the black, thick rimmed, fake glasses he bought on a whim and never really wore because monbebe love his thin, round glasses a lot more. Looking down at himself, at his all black ensemble, his purple hair standing out against it all - it’s that kind of day. 

Luckily, it’s not a rarity for him to dress like that, and he knows Kihyun will throw a fit once he sees him like that and monbebe will go wild over his look, but Changkyun really couldn’t care less today. He’d take Kihyun’s teasing and raging over his fashion over his thoughts any day. 

So, with one last deep breath, he clutches his blanket closer and shuffles further inside, tonight's staff member (luckily not the one he had snapped at today) nodding at him and him nodding back, rounding the corner where the vlive is all set up in front of the bed. 

Minhyuk and Kihyun are in a really good mood, that much Changkyun could tell from outside in the hallway already. It's proven when they spot him and Minhyuk spreads his arms with a loud, excited cry of "CHANGKYUNNIE!!!" and Kihyun smiles widely, eyes shining as he sees the extra blanket Changkyun brought. 

"Monbebe, our dear dear maknae came over to cuddle!!" 

His hyungs are shuffling around on the bed (it's Kihyun's, Changkyun notices, a lot neater with his bag barely opened next to it, feeling already calmer but also more nervous all of a sudden), kicking aside the blankets all while they kept talking to monbebe, and Changkyun should probably listen so he can join the conversation but then Kihyun gets up from the bed, towards him, and all his thoughts vanish in an instant. 

Distantly he registers Kihyun tugging at his blanket and nudging him towards the bed, but all Changkyun is aware of are the kind, reassuring eyes staring into his own, framed by soft golden blond hair, and the warm hand cupping the back of his neck for a brief second before sliding down, towards his shoulder, and gently pushing him forward. 

He gets on the bed on autopilot and is infinitely glad Minhyuk immediately latches onto him, covering him from head to toe with the blanket and rambling on to him and monbebe and Kihyun. 

Changkyun introduces himself quickly in his usual manner when Kihyun interrupts Minhyuk's waterfall of words for a moment, but doesn't contribute any more. He's squashed against Minhyuk's side, half facing Kihyun and half facing the phone, which makes it easy to pretend he's simply listening and letting himself be coddled by his hyungs. Which isn't a lie, per se, but he's mostly basking in the moment, calming down his thoughts and trying to remember how to present himself as a normal human again. 

Kihyun and Minhyuk tease monbebe about how they can't tell them why they're in a hotel and what they've been doing, their "hints" gradually morphing into completely ridiculous and wild “spoilers”. Changkyun huffs a laugh at their antics. The comments are full of pretend pouting and sulking and he imagines their fans whining, the mental image so endearing and adorable that he melts a little more into Minhyuk's side. 

Monbebe seem to be very excited to see him as well. He feels bad for being such a wet towel and not giving them any reactions, so he pulls out his own phone to at least look at the comments by himself. They go by fast, almost too fast to read, and he is only vaguely aware that his focus slowly shifts away from the screen and towards the blanket near his feet without really seeing it. The phone ends up dangling loosely in between his fingers. 

He’s spacing out while Kihyun and Minyhuk ramble on around him. He had hoped that they would distract him from his thoughts, but their voices quickly start to simply wash over him, lulling him into a bubble of white noise where his head is all too loud. 

This is not why he came here, this is not what he had hoped for.

Trying to refocus on the hotel room and his hyungs feels like mentally trudging through mud. He’s looking for something to latch onto, something that can keep him from spiraling again.

With how he's positioned, his eyes slide to Kihyun, watching his expressions and gestures. It's happening almost unconsciously, and although he does try to hide behind his fringe and glasses, he's sure Kihyun saw him watching him but he doesn't say anything, just scoots closer and pats his legs and Minhyuk is squeezing him occasionally and Changkyun makes a concentrated effort to just  _ relax.  _

He’s  _ fine. _

He’s gonna be fine.

And if he’s being completely honest with himself, right now, he kind of aches for Kihyun’s presence. Because Kihyun has the innate ability to make him feel like everything is going to be okay.

Someone in the comments asks what kind of alcoholic drink Minhyuk likes, bringing up again the old discussion about who of them is drinking and who's not. It reminds Changkyun of the expensive bottle of whiskey he has hidden away in his studio. He doesn't even particularly like it, but he does entertain the idea from time to time of inviting someone ( _ someone _ ) into his studio, talking and talking and doing more than talking while getting comfortably tipsy, just existing in a space without time, creating music of all kinds. In the end, he actually is too shy to go through with it. Feels awkward and doesn't really know how to ask for it, how to invite. 

He  _ aches. _

He doesn't even realize when and how it happens. Minhyuk is moving a lot when he's doing vlive with another person, and Changkyun just goes along with it, not fighting to keep his position, and when his hyungs shift on the bed he shifts too. 

Just. 

Apparently away from Minhyuk. And towards Kihyun. 

It's all happening unconsciously, he contemplates as he freaks out a little, but then Minhyuk makes a joke and Kihyun laughs loudly and with his whole body and it's addicting so Changkyun laughs too, behind his mask, turning to look at their main vocal because he's helpless not to when he knows he'll be able to see his brilliant smile. But then Kihyun already rights himself again and they're suddenly pressed together a lot more closer than before and now Changkyun is really freaking out, but all Kihyun does is slide his arm over his shoulder and pull him into his side. 

And Changkyun knows he's probably glowing with the force of his blush and is eternally grateful for having chosen to wear a mask, but doesn't fight against the warmth of Kihyun. Because he feels safe, and calm, and the rumble of his laughter that vibrates throughout his entire body is so endearing and  _ him.  _

So when Minhyuk dives into another story about Hyungwon and Kihyun's entire stance spells "ready for a good roasting", Changkyun lets his head fall on Kihyun's shoulder. 

He thinks he hasn't felt this relaxed and content in  _ months.  _

There's what sounds like a spontaneous argument between the two older boys, Kihyun trying to rope him into picking a side to which Minhyuk immediately protests, and even their staff couldn't hold in their laughter, and throughout it all Kihyun keeps him closely pressed to his side, moving more carefully than usual to not accidentally shove him away. 

Changkyun fucking aches as if his entire soul is bleeding out. 

Kihyun  _ cares  _ so much. 

He pays attention, he takes care, he simply  _ cares _ . 

Kihyun only has to pat his head and it feels like he punched tons of insecurities away. Kihyun only has to cup his neck and squeeze lightly, reassuringly, a silent sign of I’m Here For You and Changkyun feels lighter and freer than when he gets dead drunk in his studio and screams his anger and frustration and worries into a mic. 

Kihyun only has to cup his face, pillow his cheeks on his palms, caress with his thumbs at the corner of his eyes and smile at him so fondly, eyes crinkling in affection and happiness when Changkyun gives him a small smile back. Kihyun only has to push their foreheads together and close his eyes, relish in the closeness, and Changkyun will have to hold back tears and stare at him because it will always feel unreal to have him with him.

And Kihyun has his own demons, he has his own darkness, but he still is always there for Changkyun. 

Kihyun only has to say his name. Only has to say “Changkyunnie”-

“‘Changkyunnie is always so strong and guides the other members when they’re abroad, didn’t he become the hyung by now?’”

“Okay, monbebe, we need to clarify something here-!”

Changkyun gets jolted out of his thoughts by Minhyuk speaking up loudly and shifting on the bed, pushing him even more against Kihyun.

“Changkyunnie is our leader abroad, that’s true.” Kihyun says, a hand in Changkyun’s hair ruffling the messy strands and patting his head. 

“But he’s definitely not a hyung,” Minhyuk continues, cheeky grin audible in his voice. “Monbebe, abroad you see him as this cool, collected dude, but he’s no different than here when we are alone, make no mistake.”

“‘Changkyun-oppa has grown so much and we are so proud to see him work so hard for everyone!’” Kihyun reads another comment, pride and happiness audible in every word he says. And while Minhyuk goes on a rant about how that is true but there are some people that simply really shouldn’t be hyungs, Changkyun feels his ears getting red from praise and embarrassment. He’d try to shift the attention away from him and make his hyungs flustered in return, if it weren’t for Kihyun’s gentle fingers caressing the back of his head, out of sight for monbebe. 

They end the vlive not too long afterwards, Changkyun giving a small but genuine wave while Kihyun and Minhyuk say goodbye in a grand fashion. The staff is quickly ready to go, collecting the vlive equipment and not even trying to hide their yawns anymore. Changkyun feels sympathetic and grateful, for it has been a long day for everyone and despite the exhaustion their staff always makes sure to properly take care of them. 

With words of thanks and polite bows following their departure, the staff piles out, leaving only the three young men behind. 

"Well, Changkyunnie, despite you feeling not so good you didn't really worry monbebe, from what I've seen. I'd call that mission success," Minhyuk chirps, sounding very satisfied with himself. 

"Ah… yeah…" 

"Well, I'm gonna join Jooheon and the others. Don't have too much fun without me, you two." Minhyuk announces, stretching while he does it, and then reaches over to ruffle Changkyun's hair. 

Changkyun blinks at the unexpected gesture, but then Minhyuk's already bouncing off the bed and out of the room as well, the door falling shut with a soft click. 

Silence envelopes the hotel room where just minutes ago there was talking and laughing and bustling activity. Now, everything is calm again. Changkyun feels like he could just flop back onto the messy sheets and fall asleep like that. Drag Kihyun down with him and cuddle up to him and listen to his breathing-

Dangerous thoughts. 

Changkyun wants to stay. Doesn't want to move away from the warmth that is the older boy. But he should, probably. He already has been far too chummy with him for the past half an hour. He should leave. 

Everything within him screams to not go. But he should. 

Slowly, reluctantly disentangling himself from where Kihyun is holding him close feels like ripping off a bandaid. Except it's a huge bandaid over his aching heart and tearing it off feels like tearing himself open and never being okay again. 

He really should leave. 

Kihyun makes a soft, questioning sound, his hand squeezing his shoulder and stopping his movement for a moment, before it falls away. 

That, in itself, hurts more than Changkyun clumsily trying to drag himself out of the half-assed blanket burrito he has been sharing with Kihyun. 

He really should just fucking leave already. 

A hand lands in his messy hair. Ruffles it, hesitantly, and then more assuredly, caressing the side of his head. 

Changkyun positively freezes as a hot lump forms in his throat from that simple gesture. 

"Hey… are you feeling better?" 

He nods, small, and then shrugs. His emotions are a storm growing stronger and stronger within him and he doesn't want Kihyun to see him finally break. Another hand comes up, slowly approaching the other side of his face, and then Kihyun gently, so gently, turns his head towards him, cupping his cheeks over the mask, looking at him with his big, beautiful,  _ caring  _ eyes. 

Changkyun  _ aches  _ like never before. 

Kihyun looks worried, unsure, his head a bit tilted to the side like always when he seriously, earnestly wants to help someone. But right now, the eye contact is too much. Changkyun can't handle it, knows if he allows himself to stay near Kihyun, near whatever this is between them right now, he might say something he shouldn't, something he really, really shouldn't. So he looks away, to the side, but doesn't break away from Kihyun's hands. Not yet. 

"Hey, Changkyunnie…? Won't you stay a while longer here?" 

Kihyun's voice is so soft, so gentle, so full of caring. Changkyun swallows, not looking at him, and tries to ignore how Kihyun's hands have him melt into his touch. He shouldn't stay. He wants to be alone and just sleep and forget everything about what happened today. 

Kihyun's thumbs caress over his cheeks, softly, back and forth, non-pressuring, inviting. 

It's so tempting. 

"Today was rough, and, well. You look like you could need some, hm, care? I can take care of you." 

Changkyun stomps down the sob that is building in his throat, clenching his jaw, teeth scraping harshly together. Kihyun must feel that in his palms. 

Changkyun furiously blinks as he stares to the side at the mattress again, fringe tickling his eyes, fingers digging into the blanket. But he doesn't, can't say anything. 

Kihyun's breath catches, like he opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself. One hand falls away slowly, landing with barely any sound on the blanket. Changkyun can feel its weight near his own hand. 

He tries to subtly breathe in, to try and compose himself in some way. All that results in is him taking in Kihyun's scent, even through the mask. 

"Changkyunnie…" Kihyun says again, still so softly, fingers hesitantly sliding over Changkyun's. It's maddening. It's like a siren's call. 

"I…" he starts to say, but his voice breaks horribly, making them both wince. Kihyun scoots closer, a little, his upper body leaning forward, the hand on his cheek sliding to the back of his head and holding gently, so very gently and comforting and securely.  _ I am here.  _

And it's magical, really, some pull from within his heart he can't resist, that makes him look at Kihyun again. Into his beautiful, caring eyes. Like a puppet controlled by strings, except it's hands and words and embraces and the occasional kisses. 

Kihyun brings their foreheads together. 

"Changkyun," he whispers, "can I try and make you feel better? Please?" 

They've always been close. Closer and not so close anymore, but never far, never estranged. Always with unspoken words among chaste touches and quiet caring. 

Changkyun always thought there's a "more". 

Right now, he desperately wants that "more" to exist. So, he opens his mouth, licks his lips against the fabric of the mask. 

Whispers, pleading and broken and  _ wanting.  _

"Yes. Pleas--" 

Kihyun kisses him. 

Over the mask. 

It's over as quickly as it happens, Kihyun leaning in and pressing his mouth softly against Changkyun's, barely staying there before he pulls back again. He looks anxious, wide eyes watching his every move, his throat bobbing as he keeps swallowing. Changkyun takes it all in. Speechlessly. His heart is pounding so loudly he's sure Kihyun can hear it. 

"Kyun-" 

"Ki-" 

The silence between them is filled with nervous tension, anticipation thick in the air. 

The hand still around his head trembles slightly as fingers softly slide over his ear, where the straps of the mask keep it in place. They slide lower, over the curve of his jaw, tracing the black fabric, all while Kihyun still stares at him and Changkyun stares back, feeling how he slowly, slowly starts to drown. 

Distinctly he notices Kihyun’s other hand leaving his fingers and coming up to his face as well, their eye contact never breaking apart.

Before he knows it, before he can even think of pulling away, of escaping instead of allowing Kihyun to  _ see _ even more of him, his mask is being slowly, carefully pulled down under his chin. His face feels cold, the rush of air against his heated skin making him shiver. 

He feels naked, laid bare, so very vulnerable. And yet, protected and cared for all the same.

Soft, firm but so very gentle fingers brush over his cheeks, the skin to skin contact sending a whole different shiver down his spine, but before he could draw in a breath to say something, there are warm palms cupping them, holding his face as if he was the most precious of treasures, and air rattles out of his mouth all at once. Changkyun squeezes his eyes shut against the burn of tears that are building. He  _ doesn’t  _ want to cry, he  _ doesn’t _ , he  _ does _ -! 

Kihyun rubs his thumbs over his cheekbones, cooing softly at him and Changkyun hates it, he absolutely hates that right now it makes him feel better, that it makes him feel calmer and small and protected, he hates it so much he balls the blanket up in his fists tightly so that he won’t do anything stupid, like, like throwing himself into Kihyun’s wide open arms in a rage and  _ hugging  _ him and burying his face in his neck and have his hyung card his stupidly caring hands through his hair and play with the strands which will make Changkyun cry for real-!

“Changkyunnie,” Kihyun says.

Changkyun opens his eyes, feeling how they’re horribly brimming with tears, and looks back into Kihyun’s face.

Kihyun brings their foreheads together again, slightly bumping his nose against Changkyun’s, and the younger can’t even properly look at him now with how close he is and with how new tears have pushed the old ones away and are rolling down his cheeks now ( _ oh _ ), being stopped by Kihyun’s hands and soaking his palms.

"Our Jjangkyunnie."

Changkyun _doesn't_ want to be this exposed, this unraveled, before Kihyun, before anyone, even though he sought out the older for this exact reason. He _doesn't_ want to be vulnerable. But here he is, on a hotel bed next to Kihyun, staring tearfully at him, feeling shy and embarrassed and warm and _safe_ and Kihyun's staring at him-

"Changkyun, is it okay if I kiss you right now?" 

Kihyun's hands are slightly shaking and he is still breathing shakily, his eyes wide and darting between his own. 

Why did Changkyun accept the offer? Why did he allow himself to be blatantly plastered to Kihyun’s side? Why hasn’t he already pulled away and made his escape, like so many times before this?

He is drowning. And he longs to finally, finally be held, to be told that this is  _ okay. _

"Yes-" he presses out through his clogged up throat, words getting stuck as desperation and elation and relief surges through him at lightning speed when Kihyun leans even further in, eyes intense with concentration and nerves, his own hands scrambling along Kihyun's sides and pulling him even  _ closer  _ because yes yes  _ yes please finally please please kiss me- _

Kihyun's hands around his head pull him in, towards him into their first real kiss, and Changkyun digs his fingers into Kihyun's hoodie, pulls him closer, tears flowing freely, breath hitching as a sob crawls up his throat. 

Their lips meet like a caress, gentle and careful against each other, and it's enough to make Changkyun  _ melt.  _ He whines, giving up on trying to hold onto some semblance of control, and there's an answering whine from Kihyun, a raw, desperate, needy sound. Something in Changkyun's chest twists painfully together, their contact breaking for a moment as he can't hold back the sob anymore, and then he finds himself on his back with Kihyun hovering above him, eyes suspiciously red and glassy looking. 

"Is this okay, Changkyun, are you- is this okay?" 

Kihyun is trembling, he notices with a painful throb somewhere near his heart, and he wants nothing more than to reassure him, that yes, yes this is more than okay, he had wanted this for so long he can't even remember a time where he didn't want this. 

So he mumbles a “yeah” through his thick throat, and Kihyun’s fingers are shaking hard as they try to dislodge the straps of his mask from behind his ears, eyes darting from his to what he’s doing and back again, managing to clumsily take it off and throw to the side. 

One tense moment, and then they're kissing again.

Changkyun holds onto Kihyun for dear life, as if he could disappear the moment he stops touching him. His hand is around the back of Kihyun's neck, fingers skirting the edge of his hairline, pressing into his hot skin and pulling him closer, deeper into the kiss. He is scared, scared of all this being a dream, scared that any moment they will break apart and realize they shouldn’t be doing this, scared of losing this. 

Kihyun stops kissing him but barely pulls away, almost no space at all between their lips, panting breaths washing over each other’s faces.

“Don’t think, Kyunnie, right now, don’t think, okay?”

Changkyun’s chest shudders with another suppressed sob, and he gives a miniscule nod, not wanting to risk separating them in any way.

Kihyun gently clasps his hands around either side of Changkyun's head, still cradling him like he's something precious he needs to treasure forever, and leans in to kiss him again. 

He is kissing him as if he had always wanted to do it: gently coaxing their lips open and licking into Changkyun's mouth like he wants to fill him with nothing but Kihyun; sucking at his tongue when Changkyun reciprocates; and when they both have to break apart for air, Changkyun leaning up to chase Kihyun's lips, he is rewarded by getting his own bitten. A shiver runs down his spine at that, he never thought Kihyun would be  _ this _ forward, had always thought,  _ wanted,  _ to be the one to devour those distracting lips, and now that he can he burns so bad to do just that, but everything is overwhelming, Kihyun hovering on top of him holding him  _ safe  _ draining all fight from him but fanning a flame he kept suppressed for so, so long. 

Changkyun can't think, doesn't even want to think anymore. He just feels, can barely even see through the tears that keep coming and the slightly fogged up glasses laying askew on his nose. 

Everything is hot, every little point of contact. 

Kihyun is kissing him, deeply, languidly, his hands carding through his hair and lightly holding his head in place. It is as if something had overcome him, with how needily he is devouring the younger’s mouth, hips dipping down and moving, rubbing their crotches together. Changkyun moans, half-startled and half-desperate already, utterly helpless to deny him, spreading his own legs to accommodate those lithe hips in between his own. He’s moaning lowly, letting his hyung take his fill while he himself caresses up and down his sides to try to give back, but it’s difficult to think through the onslaught of sensation Kihyun brings upon him. 

They're both barely hard but they have time, so much time to do this, to finally catch up and clear things up between them, because Kihyun must've wanted this too, Changkyun muses through his hazy thoughts, he wouldn't be so intense, so enthusiastic otherwise. They should probably talk about this, be reasonable adults, this will change things forever, but Changkyun really, really doesn't want to think anymore, and Kihyun-

"Just feel, Changkyun. Just feel…" Kihyun babbles against his lips, sounding like his mind is somewhere else too, like he wants to do anything else than speak right now. 

One hand leaves his hair and skims over the front of his hoodie, hesitating again even though their hips are still pressed together. The contrast is making his head spin, it's so like Kihyun to go from confident to hesitant and switch between these two at lightning speed. Changkyun always found it puzzling, but hopelessly endearing and intriguing. 

"Hyung," he manages to mumble, making Kihyun pull back to let him speak, the older's eyes so bright and attentive and boring into him. "Kihyun," he breathes, watching Kihyun shudder when his name falls from his lips without the honorific. 

He's so beautiful. 

"You, we, we can, I want-," words are useless, absolutely failing him, and Kihyun's eyes widening impossibly is so goddamn distracting. Changkyun takes in a deep breath, hoping for composure, and decides that words are not going to help him right now. So he tucks at Kihyun's hoodie he's still desperately clinging onto, spreads his own legs a little more apart and chokes back his moans as the action makes Kihyun's hips fall more heavily into his own. 

Kihyun's high, startled moan echoes around him, and he wants to hear  _ more.  _

"I'm fine, Ki, we can, if you're okay too." 

Kihyun screws his eyes shut tightly, expression carefully controlled as he's quietly panting and obviously gathering himself. And when he looks at Changkyun again, his eyes are dark, full of unsaid things, cheeks flushed. 

"You're so pretty, Changkyun…" he breathes, reverently, and slides the hand on his hoodie underneath, his surprised noise when he doesn't find a shirt mixing with Changkyun's gasp, because Kihyun's hands are hot on his bare skin, burning him up, and Changkyun wants  _ more.  _

His hoodie gets pushed up, Changkyun holding onto Kihyun's for dear life, because he has seen how Kihyun looks at his body, he has taken pride in it, but nothing could have prepared him for how it would feel to have him freely, unabashedly rake his eyes over his abs and chest like he wants nothing more than to devour him whole. 

It's terribly arousing. 

"You're so fucking hot, Kyunnie…" Kihyun presses out, brows furrowed, and Changkyun can't contain his groans anymore because Kihyun swearing is awfully attractive, but to have him swear because of Changkyun's body is one of the highest praises and it's just one more thing fastly driving Changkyun insane. His dick twitches, and Kihyun must be feeling it, because he fucking  _ growls  _ and crashes their lips together again with new vigor, grinds his own growing hardness against Changkyun's and their noises are lewd and loud but neither of them cares. 

Kihyun's hand is moving like it has a life on his own, caresses and gropes and kneads all over, digs his fingers into Changkyun's muscles to feel him twitch and shiver. He teases out all sorts of reactions, swallows every groan, every grunt Changkyun makes in return, keeps mumbling against their spit-slick lips how beautiful and tempting and maddening Changkyun is. Changkyun wants to reciprocate, wants to give back, wants to touch and caress and worship in return, but Kihyun fully envelopes him, tugging at his hair to angle his head for better kisses, thumbs over his nipples, babbles mindless praise. He's making him lose his mind, slowly but surely takes him apart, and all he can do is let himself drown in him. 

Only their slow, planless grinding against each other is keeping Changkyun anchored to reality, every brush of their dicks sending sparks of desire up his spine. 

One last messy swipe of their tongues and they break apart again, the rush of fresh air shocking his mind somewhat into clarity. 

They look at each other, panting, clothes askew, Changkyun knows he must look like a hot mess, chest rapidly lifting and attracting Kihyun's eyes like moths to a flame. 

Kihyun's fingers slide downwards towards his happy trail, humming when he feels the muscles tensing and Changkyun's hips rise up in an aborted movement and bring their dicks together again. 

Changkyun can't look away. He's captivated by those fingers skirting around the edge of his underwear, he feels the heat of his palm over the bulge there. Kihyun's hesitating again, and Changkyun buries his fingers underneath his hoodie, underneath the shirt,  _ finally  _ touches skin as well. The body over his shivers, Changkyun flicks his eyes up quickly to gauge his reaction. Kihyun's eyes flit to where his own hand is, to Changkyun's hands, to Changkyun's face. 

The air is thick with tension, anticipation. 

Kihyun holds his stare, parts his lips, and carefully presses his palm against Changkyun's hard dick. 

Nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of Yoo Kihyun finally touching his dick, and he couldn't hold back the desperate, wanting sob crawling from his throat. 

Distinctly he's aware of Kihyun's answering moan, but then the older boy is back in his arms, back to kissing him with renewed force, curling his fingers around his dick, pressing his thumb over the underwear where his balls are. 

Panting, moans and groans being swallowed by Kihyun's lips, Changkyun writhes under his hands. He really fucking desperately wants to do something, wants to reciprocate, show his gratitude, anything-

His back arches as Kihyun slips his fingers into his underwear,  _ finally  _ touching him skin to skin and it feels so good, too good, Changkyun wants to speak, to moan, to breathe but Kihyun keeps kissing him, showing no sign of letting up anytime soon. 

Changkyun's feet scramble along the sheets when fingers close around his dick, tightening and sliding up and down and it's barely anything but it's driving him crazy. He whines into Kihyun's mouth, a desperate, raw sound he wishes wouldn't come from him, mouth falling open as his breathing quickly becomes ragged. 

When Kihyun ceases in his kissing assault again, hot breath hitting him in the face, Changkyun forces his eyes open even though they are already brimming with tears again. But, the embarrassment is forgotten as he looks up at Kihyun looming over him, the vocalist's face flushed and intense, his eyes holding a fire that Changkyun usually only sees on stage. 

And it does absolutely nothing to quench the heat surging through his body. 

"Kihyun…" his voice comes out rough, weak from crying and moaning, but still it visibly sends a shiver down Kihyun's spine. The older boy's mouth drops open, tongue darting out to wet his red and swollen lips. Changkyun can't hold back a groan at the sight, especially because in that moment Kihyun squeezes his dick and it takes all his willpower to keep his hips from thrusting up into the sensation without any control. 

"Changkyunnie, is this okay?" 

He is tired of that question, while he feels warm with emotions because even now Kihyun is still checking, still making sure they're on the same page and it's as endearing and it is frustrating because Kihyun's own voice sounds wrecked and he hasn't had anything done to him so far, and it doesn't help Changkyun keep his composure at all. He's still crying, somewhere in the back of his head he is aware of that, but he doesn't care anymore. 

Another squeeze, around the tip of his dick and Changkyun's head falls back with a deep groan, leg twitching up and grinding into Kihyun's crotch. Where he can clearly feel him, hard and hot and desperate, with how he thrusts back against him. 

"Aah-!" Never before has Changkyun heard such a sound from the older boy, and he can't rip his eyes away from his face, scrunched up in desperate pleasure with his mouth hanging open. Never before has Changkyun seen Kihyun like this, and a deep-seated  _ need  _ surfaces from his very core, a desire he kept hidden for so long because it  _ wouldn't have been right…!  _

"It's, it's alright," he starts, lifting his leg higher and exhaling harshly as Kihyun grinds down his thigh, his hand getting squished between his own crotch and Changkyun's dick, and Changkyun feels his arousal trying to burn through his skin, a white hot rush washing over him like a blaze. 

"It's fine, I'm fine, more than fine, hyung, Kihyun, please,  _ please!"  _

Kihyun's feverish eyes find his, saying too much for Changkyun to understand in this moment where every little thing is already too much, and then they're kissing again. Changkyun clutches with one hand onto Kihyun's shoulder, the other burying in his hair and tugging firmly, the resulting high groan fueling his excitement even more. 

He bucks his hips up, wants to feel Kihyun's own arousal, and gets a whine for his troubles that he wants to hear again and again and again. Kihyun's still grinding on his thigh, still has his sweatpants on, the air between them is hot and thick and Changkyun tugs Kihyun back down to his lips by his hair, wanting,  _ needing _ more of him. 

“Wait, Changkyunnie, wait, I need to-” Kihyun mumbles, his words getting lost in Changkyun’s mouth.

“Anything, whatever you want Ki, just say it,” Changkyun replies, keeping him close until the hand not on his dick shakily untangles his own that is in Kihyun’s hair and presses it down next to his head on the bed, and the vocalist manages to seperate them enough to catch his breath. 

“Ki?” 

“I, my pants, I need to-” and Kihyun stops talking to inhale once, deeply, looking down at Changkyun laying underneath him. 

Changkyun knew that Kihyun is beautiful, but right now, cheeks red, blond hair messy and hazardly swept away from his forehead, chest rapidly rising and falling, he looks truly like a god. And he’s being appraised himself in return, a small, exhilarated smile tugging at Kihyun’s lips.

“Kyunnie, stay like this for a moment, okay, don’t move.”

Before he can ask what’s going on, before worry can rise up within him, Kihyun clumsily gets to his knees and rightens himself, removes his hands from Changkyun and chuckling breathlessly at the protesting whine, and starts to tug his sweatpants over his hard dick.

Changkyun’s throat dries up in an instant.

"Off, off, c'mon hyungie, off…" Changkyun mumbles mindlessly, only barely abiding to Kihyun's words and staying still even though he wants nothing more than to pull him back over him and just continue getting lost in him. Feverishly he watches the older wrestle his pants and underwear down over his thick thighs, as far as he can in his position, knees on either side of Changkyun's hips. Changkyun doesn't know where to look, at his face or his dick. 

Kihyun exhales harshly with his eyes closed and Changkyun's own eyes drop immediately down to his crotch, his mouth falling open as he sees Kihyun wrap his fingers around his freed dick, pumping the stiff length and he's so close to Changkyun's own hardness, the feeling of those hands on himself still fresh on his skin and Changkyun  _ hungers _ . 

Though before he can do something Kihyun's eyes spring open, pleasure pooling in them, pulling Changkyun into their abyss. He can already feel himself getting lost again but then pleasure singes through his entire body, moans getting punched out of him.

Kihyun has wrapped his hand around both of their dicks, and Changkyun swears he has never seen a sexier sight than right now, with Kihyun on his lap jerking them both off, staring into his eyes like he wants to devour him whole. 

Changkyun shivers. 

Kihyun's voice breaks on a moan. 

"Changkyun…" 

He sounds so fucked out, so needy, voice sounding deeper than usual. Is this how he feels hearing Changkyun speak because if yes then Changkyun has to commend him for keeping his composure daily because he himself probably  _ couldn't _ . 

The heads slide snugly against each other in Kihyun's tight hold, his fingers which Changkyun never admitted to himself he fantasizes about a  _ lot  _ getting coated by precome. It's starting to become messy, Kihyun's focused eyes on him sending pulse after pulse of heat throughout Changkyun's body and his dick keeps spurting out liquid, the warmth of Kihyun's own dick and his palm only fueling the heat between them. Changkyun wants to reciprocate, wants to give back as much as he's receiving but he feels paralyzed from the continued pleasure, Kihyun's moans and groans and soft reassuring coos having him melt into the mattress and it's almost too much and also  _ so good.  _

"Ah- Ki…! Urgnh…!" 

"That, that's right, Changkyunnie, it feels good, doesn't it? Don't, don't hold yourself back, I'm here, alright, I'm, hah…!" 

Kihyun himself sounds wrecked and  _ gone,  _ like he'd collapse any second if he lost his concentration for even a little bit, and yet he doesn't falter in his ministrations at all. He swipes his thumb over their tips, digs the finger into Changkyun's slit. Changkyun curses, he doesn't know whether he's even forming words anymore at this point. Kihyun dives down to kiss him again, licking into him, lips sliding wetly (everything is so  _ wet)  _ against each other. 

His brain is fogging over with need. Need to come, need to be held, need to be kissed more, need to  _ touch more.  _

Changkyun hungers for skin, needs to touch more than cheeks and neck and stomach, needs more than thighs sliding against each other, he feels so needy to  _ see  _ Kihyun even though he knows what he looks like underneath his oversized hoodies, but he  _ needs  _ to know how he looks like  _ now _ . 

He manages to untangle one hand from Kihyun’s hair (how did they get there?) and unceremoniously dives it down to where they are grinding against each other. Fumbling blindly he pushes Kihyun’s hoodie up, uncaring that it falls down again and probably gets stained by their mess because there it is again, firm but soft skin, so very very soft and slightly squishy at the sides, and he must’ve made some kind of noise because Kihyun is actually breaking their kiss and looks at him questioningly, eyes glassy and cheeks red with his mouth hanging open and his lips so swollen, so glossy from spit, so  _ pretty-  _

He digs his fingers into Kihyun’s sides, thump pushing against where his abs used to show after every performance but now there’s a healthy amount of flesh over subtle definition and he loves it, adores it, wants to bite and squeeze and appreciate and mark-

“ _ Changkyun.” _

Kihyun moans out his name with his eyes closed, pushing against his hand, pressing even more against his dick, and all Changkyun can do is helplessly groan as the wave of pleasure paralyzes him. 

They can't last much longer like this.

He pushes his hands even further, spreads his fingers across that impressive chest, and that apparently is enough. Kihyun shudders violently, moans loudly into his mouth and then there’s wetness covering his own dick and stomach, hips stuttering against his own and he is so far gone he imagines how it would feel if they had gone even further- 

His groans turn desperate, Kihyun’s hand still pressing his softening dick against his own almost too much with how he feels like snapping any second. His legs rise up around them, and when Kihyun’s head falls to his neck and he feels him biting down his entire body jerks, trying to curl up against the weight on top of him. 

“Ki-” he sobs out, voice higher than usual, and Kihyun hums and bites right below his ear, pressing his thumb into his slit, and Changkyun’s coming too, adding to the mess on his stomach while his hands and feet scramble to hold onto something, anything to anchor him. 

He ends up clinging to Kihyun, both of them panting harshly into the quiet of the hotel room, sweat and cum cooling on their heated skin with the air conditioning blowing softly over them. 

Time slows down around them, every breath like a new revelation, and Kihyun carefully flops down on his side, off him without dislodging Changkyun's arms around him. 

Changkyun closes his eyes and turns his head towards Kihyun, blindly nuzzling against him when he feels puffs of air hitting his face. The older boy huffs a laugh and nuzzles him back. 

Changkyun thinks that it's been a long time since he felt this content and relaxed and  _ safe.  _

They stay like that for a while, Kihyun returning the embrace, and Changkyun basks in the warmth and afterglow, head blissfully silent. 

The mess on their stomachs does get icky though after a few more minutes. 

"Hn… we need to clean up…" he mumbles, thoughts sluggishly trying to form again. 

Kihyun tightens his arms around him. 

"Hyung… Ki… " 

Kihyun shifts and envelopes him even more in the hug, burying his face into the crook of his neck, his hands needily grasping onto him. 

"I can't believe I have you like this now… I can't believe I can do this now whenever I want…"

Changkyun feels like he'll combust any time now with the onslaught of emotions exploding within him. 

"That really should be my line…" he wishes his voice is stronger, and not the scratchy mess it is now from his crying and their… activities (and, oh how the memory of what they've just done makes him feel  _ things _ ). 

Kihyun props himself up as best as he can with his arms still around him, their faces close and his expression constantly shifting, as if he isn't sure what emotions he should be showing first. 

"Changkyun, you have no idea how hard it was,  _ is,  _ to hold myself back from touching you all the time."

And it's sweet, so sweet, really, but Changkyun can't help but chuckle at that. Channeling his postorgasmic glow and all the fuzzy warm feelings in his chest into his eyes he stares Kihyun down with intensity, satisfied watching him freeze in place with his eyes wide open. 

"I don't think you realize just how much I've wanted you, Kihyun." 

They stare at each other, tension so thick one could cut it with a knife, but then Kihyun chuckles lightly, looking down with a blush. 

"I guess… there is a lot of unsaid stuff between us, huh…" 

Changkyun can't keep up the unaffected act and breaks his façade with a small, genuine grin of his own. 

"Let's go clean up, Ki." 

**MX**

They eventually manage to detangle themselves from each other to clean up, Kihyun wrinkling his nose when he inspects the damage on their hoodies and sees the edges dull of dried cum. Changkyun offers to clean them up, flustering a little bit when Kihyun simply strips off everything and marches into the bathroom like a man on a mission. While it's true that Changkyun lives a very free swinging lifestyle at the dorms, Kihyun, despite all his protests, is more often more bare than he'd ever admit in public. Not that Changkyun minds, being able to stare at those thighs and chest unobstructed being a gift every single day. But right now, in this hotel room, after everything they've done, he does feel a little shy just going on like nothing's changed. 

"Kyunnie? Your hoodie?" 

With wobbly legs and his head spinning Changkyun goes into the bathroom as well and lets Kihyun wash the hems of their hoodies with soap and shampoo. 

Kihyun ends up taking a shower, giving Changkyun a quick peck on his lips with red cheeks and soft spoken words of "I won't take long, wait for me?" 

As if Changkyun would leave now. 

He sits on Kihyun's now messy bed and cautiously checks his messages, head still feeling calm and stuffed with cotton. There's been a whole discussion about new room arrangements for this one night since Jooheon and Minhyuk have occupied Hyungwon's and Hyunwoo's room but there's not enough space for four people, with Minhyuk having constantly steered the conversation away from Changkyun and Kihyun. 

Changkyun instantly feels tears prick at his eyes in gratitude and brusquely shakes his head to get rid of them. He needs to sincerely thank Minhyuk tomorrow. 

The lump rising in his throat doesn't want to go away and Changkyun very much  _ doesn't  _ want to start crying once again, but then Kihyun, true to his word, stumbles out of the bathroom in just his underwear and hoodie, blond hair damp and hanging in his eyes, skin flushed red from the shower. He looks so soft and cozy and cute that Changkyun feels like crying for an entirely different reason and he wonders  _ when  _ he will stop crying today. 

Kihyun gives him a small, shy smile and walks to stand in front of him, fiddling slightly with the hem of his hoodie. 

"Hey," he says softly. Changkyun looks up at him, the weight in his chest evaporating into dust in an instant. 

"Hey," he murmurs back, and then shows Kihyun the room conversation because he feels flustered again and doesn't know what to do. 

Kihyun scrolls through the screen and his smile grows with each passing second, and when he looks at Changkyun again he grins so wide his cheeks dimple, and that, well, causes strong heart palpitations. 

A hand lands in his hair. 

"Do you want to cuddle?" 

Kihyun isn't someone that hugs them all too often and Changkyun admittedly doesn't hug Kihyun as often as he longs to do, so, grasping him around the waist and falling on his back, bringing him down with him and hearing him giggle in his ear, feels like both the privilege it is and a necessity that is long overdue. 

They crowd together on the bed, Kihyun once again with his arms around him as they lay on their sides, nuzzling close. Changkyun thought he'd be bothered by it, the sudden closeness after pining on his own for so long and distancing himself, but Kihyun makes it feel so easy, so comfortable. Changkyun takes a deep breath and makes the conscious effort to melt into the embrace. 

Kihyun breathes into his neck, tickling the skin and usually Changkyun would flinch and squirm away from the feeling but for once it doesn’t bother him that much, just a pleasant shiver running down his back with each warm puff of air.

“You smell good, Kyunnie,” Kihyun mumbles, burying more of his nose into the space under his ear, and Changkyun chuckles lightly, tugging teasingly at his hair.

“You always say this, hyung.”   
“‘cause it’s true.”

“It’s my skin, of course it smells good.”   
“That’s no argument, Hyungwon doesn’t smell good at all.”

Changkyun grips the strands tighter in his hand, opening his mouth but not knowing what to say.

“Everyone smells differently to each other, and if you don’t like the smell of a person you won’t fit well together, that’s a proven fact.”

Kihyun hums, cuddles closer to him, and then drops a kiss to his neck.

“So you’re saying, since I love your smell so much,  _ we are a perfect match?” _

Changkyun shudders when Kihyun says the last part in English teasingly right into his ear. 

“Y-you don’t even know if I like your smell too.”

Without moving away from his neck Kihyun shuffles his upper body fully onto his chest, pressing all air from his lungs, and kisses down Changkyun’s shoulder.

“Here you go then, smell me.”

Changkyun would laugh at his antics, if he had any air left in him to do so. 

Taking a deep breath to hopefully avoid dying he is immediately enveloped in what is purely  _ Kihyun, _ without the distraction of arousal or exhaustion clouding his senses. And he had always known that one of the reasons he feels comfortable around the older boy is because he doesn’t dislike his smell, but for once actively concentrating on it is overwhelming.

Especially because not too long ago Kihyun had changed body lotions and is currently smelling strongly like tree moss and it shouldn’t affect Changkyun as much as it does.

He doesn't even notice they stay like this for quite some time until Kihyun pulls away and props himself up on his hands, leaning over him, his blond hair falling into his eyes and forming a halo around his face in the warm light of the hotel lamps. 

He's so beautiful. 

"You're so beautiful." 

Kihyun blinks down at him, blinks again, his lips twitching like he isn't sure what face to make. 

"You too," is what he replies with, and drops down to press a kiss to Changkyun's forehead. 

It all feels so easy.

It feels so easy to let Kihyun press kisses all over his face, to just lay there and let him do it. He never really thought it could be like this. Hadn’t dared to hope or even imagine more than just being together. They spend so much time with each other, know so much about everyone, angers and fears and insecurities and strengths and hope and dreams. And yet, right now, he never felt so close to Kihyun before. 

Changkyun turns his head into the opposite direction of Kihyun's kisses, facing one of Kihyun's hands that landed on his shoulder and never moved from there. He doesn't know why he does it, some deep want inside of him bubbling to the surface, but he leans closer and presses a kiss to the inside of Kihyun's wrist, running his nose along the veins and taking in the smell of his skin and what is purely  _ Kihyun.  _ It is overwhelming, and so very, very comforting. 

Kihyun freezes with a questioning sound on his lips. 

“Thank you,” Changkyun mumbles, lips brushing against the soft skin. 

There’s a moment of silence where Kihyun remains motionless above him, just breathing slowly in and out. And then he dips downwards again, nudges Changkyun’s cheek with his nose until the rapper turns his face back towards him.

Kihyun kisses him. Kisses him slow and sweet, lips moving like a massage over his own.

It’s so, so easy to do this. 

They end up on their sides again, Kihyun swiping his thumbs gently beneath Changkyun's eyes, where they still feel sore from all the crying. 

"No more tears tonight, Kyunnie, okay…?" 

Changkyun can feel his face heating up in embarrassment. 

"I don't usually cry during… y'know," Changkyun mumbles, bashfully looking at Kihyun from beneath his fringe. He gets a hum in return. 

"Not that I'd mind, but I do wish that next time your tears will have a different reason than today's." 

Fingers brush his fringe away so he can't hide his blush anymore. 

"Happy tears or pleasure tears are a lot better than tears because you feel shitty, right?" 

Changkyun feels like he'll combust any second now. He makes a strangled sound somewhere in his throat and squeezes his eyes shut when Kihyun giggles at him again and presses a kiss to his nose.

Kihyun scoots up a little so they're face to face, legs entangled, his arms still around Changkyun. His eyes are so gentle, glowing in the warm light of the hotel lighting. And he is smiling. Small but saying so much, happiness and comfort and reassurance in the turn of his lips. 

Changkyun can't help but smile back shyly. And it feels like something in his chest is breaking free, breathing without restraints for the first time in so long. 

Their foreheads drop together on their own. And as Changkyun drifts off to sleep, he thinks of the bottle of whiskey hidden away in his studio with a smile and plans to finally open it. 

(Separating himself from Kihyun, sleep warm and cozy, the next morning for breakfast feels like torture. They stumble together into the bathroom, hands constantly landing on shoulders or waists as they drowsily wash their faces and change into more hotel-breakfast-appropriate clothes. 

Everyone’s there, greeting each other with various forms of enthusiasm. Changkyun and Kihyun walk side by side, not too close but also unwilling to deliberately walk further away from each other, and Minhyuk gives them a wide grin. But he doesn't say anything, just scoots closer to Jooheon so that Changkyun and Kihyun can sit next to each other, and breakfast is a quiet, usual affair. 

Everything feels so easy. Changkyun finds the staff member he snapped at yesterday and apologizes again, the young woman just giving him a benevolent smile and a pat on the shoulder. He gives Minhyuk a hug that turns into a vicious cuddle session until he's let go again. He sticks close to Jooheon who messes up his hair and then bounds over to Hyunwoo. 

He and Kihyun sit next to each other in the car, the vocalist taking his hand and playing with his fingers, throwing a blinding smile at him now and again. 

Everything feels so easy. As if things have finally fallen into their right place.) 

**Author's Note:**

> Changkyun said I feel like shit bro, then Kihyun said lemme hug you bro to make you feel better, then Changkyun said thank you bro, then Kihyun said everything for you bro, then Changkyun said don’t make me cry bro, then Kihyun said it’s alright bro, then they both cried and hugged like emotional support bros do but then they realize hey we have feelings for each other bro and then they had their hands in each other’s pants
> 
> Hope you enjoyed
> 
> Feel free to not succumb to creators' call of checking out their messy social accounts.  
> [tumblr](https://ki-chang.tumblr.com)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/nkm284)


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